The Incredible Carnival Hulk
These men are giants on the road. Mere mortal men give them wide berth lest they strike out and kill with a flick of a pec or glute. Often seen leading bands in nothing more than a loincloth or the smallest of speedos, all of their decades of gym work are on display for all to see. Like their counterpart, the Carnival Diva, I have never seen one take a wine or party too intensely. Maybe they don’t want to lose their gains with too much cardio? Still the road wouldn’t be the same without them.
This nimble being is usually thin and lithe and heavily decorated with glitter, rhinestones and boots. They are exceedingly flexible and want the world to know that they are FABULOUS. They can be found doing summersaults and splits here and there making a spectacle where ever they go. Ladies, you must approach carefully as women looking for a wine from one of these agile beings may end up getting “accidentally” kicked to the curb
- Years of training in the crucible of the deepest darkest gym.
- Mentally hardened by the most high pressure jobs.
- Burdened by endless responsibilities at home and work.
This man has been planning. He has applied for leave almost a year ago. Everything he does is aimed at one goal. MASHING UP THE PLACE come carnival. He will not tire, he will not stumble from drunkeness. No wine and I mean NO WINE shall make his knee buckle! The rolly polly could weigh 2 tonnes, he will not crumble like KES, his back is strong. His body a perfectly honed MACHINE, packed with muscles and strength gained from protein powder, steamed fish and water crackers. Ladies, need a seat? He has a “Man Shelf” for you to sit on. Ladies, one wine and you will never be the same.
Mr Pelt Waist Correct
He is often not much to look at. Just an average Joe. He looks like he is having a good time and gives you the eye. Although he isn’t the King Leonidas type you like, you decide to Grace him with a little wine so he can see how your bumper is too real.
From the moment he grabs hold, you know this wine is different. Perfect timing. Just the right amount of power. Just the right amount of finesse. You find yourself daydreaming in his arms, a little hot around the collar. When he moves on you eye the next girl with jealousy in your eye. He is possibly……..the best winer in the world.
The Lobster (newbie/tourist)
New to the scene, these wide eyed men are usually in awe of all that surrounds them. Just the fact that it is sunny makes this holiday great for them. They made no real preparation. They read no carnival advice. They are almost always just a bit burned from the tropical sun and almost all have a big smile on their face at all times. Ladies, make sure to give them a wine…some return next years as Kings!
These men are not the fittest. They’re not the youngest. (In fact, they’re usually more than a bit over the hill.) They’re not the wildest. BUT the Veteran can always be spotted on the road by their aura of contentment. The road is THEIRS and has been for years. They’ve already seen it all and so they are often content to just chip and drink all day on the road. Just being on the road another year is good for them. But ladies, don’t take this chill attitude for granted. Right song play and you will suddenly find this man behind you and best believe, YOU BETTER CAN KEEP UP! If ever there is a time you should feel okay to wine on a much older man, a Veteran of the road is it!
This category is, as you can guess, made up of the men who invade the road, invade the band and invade your personal space. They are the spectators who come out and want to do more than spectate. Once there is any little gap, they are running in to tief a wine on any girl they can reach first. Or sometimes they spot a girl wukkin up, like what they see and just lay in wait for the opportunity to pounce. Some ladies don’t mind; as long as an Invader doesn’t get too handsy, he can get a one wine for a quick 30 seconds. Unfortunately, most of them get VERY handsy. So ladies, fling back with caution!
These guys come in ALL shapes and sizes. Its usually the luck of the draw, but thankfully they are not very common. Their defining characteristic is a total lack of wining ability. Although enthusiatic they are always just a bit off of timing. You push back, they move left. Dancing with one of these guys can end up in a bad sprain if you dont watch yourself. Don’t even think of jumping up on one of these. INSTANT DEATH!
Mr Hairy Belly
This one is special and has been added at the insistence of a special member of the lehwego team. Carnival is about inclusivity and everyone is welcome regardless of body type, skin colour or any other feature, BUT I have been instructed to tell you to PLEASE, PLEASE, shave your bellies, chests and backs. Sweaty body hair apparently holds a special place in the heart of many women.
I know I missed some. Ladies, help me out!
Thanks to Ms. Aleza for her sagely advice!